From: "Ulla Ahlmen" Subject: Story submission: Traian Crisan 1-2/2 Date sent: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 21:43:08 +0300 Title: Traian Crisan letter 1/2 "Detouring A Dead End" Author: Heidi Ahlmen E-mail address: heidi.ahlmen@pp2.inet.fi Rating: G Category: Vignette, Angst Spoilers: Memento Mori, Gethesemane, One Breath Keywords: none Summary: Scully's two final letters to Mulder, who is dead. Extreme angst warning. This is to Kukka. As always. ************************************ Traian Crisan ************************************ Letter one; Detouring A Dead End ************************************ Again awake. Loneliness is so strong these long night. The pain won't let me sleep. It keeps thundering in my veins, ripping my heart off, cracking my head, but keeping me fighting, though I can't find a reason to. I usually sit up and look through the thick curtains of my bedroom. Now it's snowing. Heavy flakes land down and the streetlamp digs a hole of light in the wintry night. I close the curtains sighing, and open the top drawer. I sigh as I see the collection of pills and drugs I have. I snap an aspirin with a small morphine pill. Wish I had the courage to eat them all, letting their bitter taste fill me and unite us again. I miss you again, trying to deal with the terms of your death a month ago. And trying to deal with the pain. With you I could just forget it. You were my aspirin. Now the pain isn't only caused by the cancer, though it makes my life a hell, too. It's caused by memories of you. This time I couldn't save you. Why did you do it? You were a lot weaker then me. I know what you've been through before but we still had time. I lay myself to bed again, comforting thoughts far away from me. I'm thinking of today with misery. Another day filled with memories, concerned calls from my mom; "How are you feeling, Dana-honey?". Another day of the coldness of this last winter. I know it's the last. I've been so lucky to survive so far. This time I can't fight back. This would be a lot easier with you. I still go to work. It's the same. homicides, rapes, UFO's. I don't know what to do with all the abductees that are trying to reach you. The other agents look at me and I want to run away, they have these sympathy looks that make me even sicker. Everytime I get a nosebleed or a balance distraction they usually call Skinner. He comes, looks at me with a knowing look. If you would be there and back me up I could do it. But I can't. I'm not going to cry when they're watching but it's so hard sometimes. I've quit listening to music. It's just too emotional to me. I can't survive so why make myself even sadder. Whether I'm alive or not. There's only two possibilities. Hey, maybe I occasionally survive but keep on a life in the hospital maybe for a couple of years, then jump into coma? Is that human life? Or then I can eat those pills and get rid of this crap. I'm living in an illusion. In my dreams I found the truth, our truth, yor truth, reveal it to the world and fill the silent promise I made to you. I won't happen. I'm too near the end. I don't cry. It's not enough enough for showing my feelings. Maybe it's good you're gone. You won't see me like this. I can't bare the look on your face, the suffering Mulder-look that tells me that you are so sorry you could kill yourself. It's not your fault but you're not here when I finally have the guts to say it. I can't accept this cancer but I can accept you. I have no choice. I like to think you're in a good place waiting for me and I can still remember what you look like. I am so selfish. God help me. I still would want you to be my last vision of this life. It would be so hard to you. The most awful thing is that I may not ever be able to tell you how I feel. Dana Scully Title: Traian Crisan letter 2/2 "Post Mortality" Author: Heidi Ahlmen E-mail address: heidi.ahlmen@pp2.inet.fi Rating: G Category: Vignette, Angst Spoilers: Memento Mori, Gethesemane, One Breath Keywords: none Summary: Scully's two final letters to Mulder, who is dead. Extreme angst warning. This is to Kukka. As always. ********************************************* Traian Crisan ********************************************* Letter two: Post Mortality ********************************************* I've been trying to reach Bill all day. Tara answers and tells me he's at my mother's. Tara is expecting again. That makes me more miserable. I won't be able to give birth to a child. I think you've met Bill once, during my recovery from the kidnapping. No, I still dopn't call it an abduction. It was somethig I don't really think about. I can't explain it and I can't stand the though of the men who did this to me. The fucking sonofabitches. It was good to get that out of my system. But let's go back to Bill. And mom. Mom doesn't call me anymore. She knows I'm dying soon. The pain gets worse and worse and my doctor raised my narcotics this afternoon. He looks so sorry and always says "God bless you". I would go to church if I would have enough strenght. I called Skinner and said I wasn't going to come back anymore. He said he wanted to visit me. I said it was okay. He popped up a couple of hours later, brough me a bouquet of white flowers. Lilies and white roses. One red rose. That was really mean. I think you get the picture. Where do you usually see white flowers......... Oh God. He came in and hugged me can you imagine that. he said he was really sorry a that I wasn't coming back and I think he was tearing up a bit. I tried to make some tea but I got tired and he finished it. He didn't stay long. I started to get teary. Imagine it was the last time I would see that guy. Mom and the rest of my family is at mom's planning my funeral. i just know it. They want to be prepared. I'm too scared to call her. She has shut me off. I'm all alone, waiting to die. Sounds like a sugary mid soxties movie, huh? I'm not laughing. I have started to think about my funeral. It doesn't really feel so bad as you could imagine. I can see the other agents standing in a line, carrying me on my last road. I like to imagine you there, your arm around my mom's shoulder. you had become such good friends. he's sorry about you, Mulder. I'm sorry, too. you were my strenght. I remember what it felt like to be held by you. You soft lips touching my forehead, you big arms around me, your hand pulling me away from my silent prisons made by people attempting to murder me. The scent of your aftershave in your shirt..... You felt so good and I flich if I start thinking how cold it is without you. I don't blame you for firing that gun. If I'd have the guts I'd do it, too. I've put my life in the line for you so many times. If someone would offer me a cure to this cancer now I wouldn't take it. I want you either in Hell or in Heaven. It doesn't matter. Betters memories than nothing. If I'd survive this, what would my life be like? I'd probably marry some bimbo guy, and your ghost at the same time, a couple of kids, a suburban home.... A "happy" life. My life could be compared to hell. it's the only truth I can fidn anymore when there's only ashes left. Maybe Samantha really is alive. may be she'll call me someday. Someday when I'm not here to answer. Were you be happy with me, Mulder? Were you able to give me away to get Sam? I don't want to hear the answer. I'd feel so bad for Sam. For myself. I'd better call mom and Bill to take me out to see the stars for I may not even see the sunrise. Please, Mulder, wait for me. I am coming. Dana Scully ------------------------------ All those feelings pain and anger Flood back one by one They must be around the bend they always come At night I lay sleeping They come to me in herds Their lies remain the dreams The same it's only floating words Close call there in the shadows There's an end to the dark 'Cause there's no one out there No one but me........ Sarah McLachlan ----------------------------- Feedback? Feedback!!! address: heidi.ahlmen@pp2.inet.fi