Thanks to everyone who has responded to my stories, it is GREATLY 
appreciated and very encouraging.  I am having a lot of fun with 
these and couldn't do it without your support.  You can e-mail me at  
YRLD43A@PRODIGY.COM  .  I hope you enjoy this.

Classifications:  S,A
Spoilers:  Momento Mori
Ratings: G
Summary:  Scully has to spend the day at the Medical Center for tests 
and Mulder accompanies her.
Authors Note:  Written by one who waits.

Disclaimer:  The characters and situations of the television program 
"The X-Files" are the creations and property of Chris Carter,  Fox 
Broadcasting, and Ten Thirteen Productions, and have been used 
without permission.  No copyright infringements are intended.  This 
work is not to be forwarded or distributed to any newsgroup, FTP, or 
WWW site without the permission of the author.

I do give permission for it to be put on atxc.

********************
SO MUCH WAITING
By Patty Hayes
yrld43a@prodigy.com
April 30, 1997
********************

Scully was packing up for the day, straightening the stacks on her 
desk, shutting off her computer.  It was well past closing time and 
it had been a long day.  "Mulder, I have to have some tests run 
tomorrow, so I won't be in."

"Why didn't you tell me before, Scully?  You usually tell me about 
these things."  If she didn't know better, she would've thought he 
was hurt.

"I didn't think you'd mind, tomorrow's Friday, we don't have anything 
going on right now anyway, so .... "  She headed for the door, then 
stopped, turned and hesitated before speaking.  "Mulder?"

He had watched her walk to the door and waited while she stood in the 
doorway.  "Yea, Scully?"

"I ... I might need a ride home tomorrow evening, are you going to be 
around?"  Her eyes settled in his direction but not directly on him.  
She hadn't wanted to ask, but her mother was out of town and there 
was no one else.

Mulder looked at her, standing in the doorway, avoiding his eyes, 
looking as beautiful and as innocent as a child.  "Why don't I pick 
you up in the morning and go with you?"

No, this isn't what she wanted.  "You don't need to do that, it's 
just that the tests usually tire me out, I don't want to drive all 
that way.   I can call you when I'm ready to go, if I need you."  She 
let go of the door knob and took a few steps toward him.

"I want to go, I don't mind.  You said yourself, there's nothing 
going on here."  Mulder suddenly didn't want her to feel alone 
tomorrow.   He wanted to be there.

"Mulder, it's nothing really.  Just a few tests and a lot of waiting 
in between, you'll be bored silly."

"I would never be bored with you, Scully."  A wry grin crossed his 
face.

"Mulder, I can take a cab, never mind  ... "

"Scully!"  Mulder said sharply, then his voice lowered to a whisper 
and frowned.  "Damn it, Scully.  Let me be there for you."  His eyes 
pleading with her.  Why was she being so stubborn?

She sighed deeply, searching his face, not really understanding what 
Mulder wanted out of this.  "Ok, Mulder.  Pick me up at 7:30 in the 
morning."

"I'll be there with ..... "

"No bells, Mulder."  Scully interrupted.  "Not at 7:30 in the morning.
"  She replied as she headed out the door.

Seven thirty came early and it took a good half hour to get to the 
medical center and another half hour to park and find the first stop. 
 Mulder was dressed in jeans and a lightweight black pullover sweater.
  Scully advised him to take his jacket with him, the hospital stayed 
cold.  He followed her around like a lost puppy, she seemed to know 
her way around pretty well.  There were an awful lot of people around 
for so early.

"Hey, Dr. Scully.  How are things today?"  A cheerful blonde girl 
greeted them at the first nurse's station.

"Pretty good, Debbie, how about you?"  Scully smiled at the overly 
perky girl.

"Great, thanks.  I'll be your guide today.  You know the drill, when 
you're done here, tell Janie and she'll page me.  Now, promise me 
you'll do it this time."  It sounded like she was scolding Scully.

"All right, Debbie."

Debbie grinned.  "And who is this?  Your father?"  She teased, 
looking up at the tall dark good looking man.

"Excuse me?"  Mulder replied.

"This is a friend, Debbie, Fox Mulder,  he'll be with me throughout 
the day.  I'll make you a deal, I'll have you paged, if you can keep 
him out of trouble."  Scully eyed Mulder with a raised brow as the 
two shook hands.

"Deal."  Debbie laughed.  "They'll call you in a minute, Dr. Scully.  
 Do you have any questions about this test?"

"No, I've been briefed."  

"Ok, well, try to hang in there and I'll see you in a couple of hours.
"  Debbie padded off down the hallway.

"We might as well sit down, Mulder, it'll be a while."

They sat in silence for a while, Mulder looking around.  It was not a 
typical doctor's waiting room, it was much larger.  "Scully, how many 
times have you been here, doing this?"  Mulder was surprised at how 
everyone knew her as he didn't realize she'd been here that often.

"I guess about four or five times.  To make sure the tumor isn't 
growing."

"Did you come alone, all those time?"

"No, not always.  Mom came with me the first couple."  She looked at 
him with a frown.  "Why?"

"Just wondering, I didn't know."  He shrugged his shoulders.  Mulder 
opened his mouth to continue when a nurse came to the door and called 
for Scully. 

They both stood and she turned to him and smiled.  "See you in a 
while, Mulder."  When she got to the door, she turned around, "Be 
good."  

He watched her walk away and as the door closed, his smile faded.  
His jaw clenched as he thought about her going through this alone.

"Is this your first time here?"

Mulder turned to the woman that was seated across from them.  "Yes, 
no.  I mean I'm just waiting, she's been here before."  He walked 
over and sat down next to the woman.  Her hands were busy crocheting. 
 She looked to be about forty, well dressed, well groomed, but she 
looked tired.  "You?"

"Oh, no, I've been here for ages, it seems anyway."  She held out her 
hand.  "I'm Alice Taylor."

He accepted her handshake, "Fox Mulder."

"The waiting gets better, it's always the hardest in the beginning.  
You're worried about what's going on behind those doors.  What are 
they doing to your loved one?  After a while, once you learn the 
procedures and began to trust that they know what they're doing, it 
gets easier."

'Trust'.  How ironic.  Do you ever really trust them?  He thought.  
"Is your husband here for treatment?"  Mulder noticed the ring on her 
hand.

"No, my husband lost the battle three years ago."  Her smile faded 
for a moment and became forced.  "My daughter is here now."

"I'm sorry."  Mulder nodded.

Alice nodded, avoiding his glance as she continued her crocheting.  
He noticed she went through the movements without looking at it.  
"Thanks.  Is that your wife?"

Mulder stared at her, a bit too long.   She tilted her head and 
slightly frowned.  "No, a good friend.  A very good friend."  

"Well, it's awfully nice of you to be here for her.  It's important 
that they know they're not alone.  What kind of cancer does she have?
"

He tried to explain as best he could without going into too much 
detail.  Suddenly Mulder didn't want to talk about it.  This was 
happening here and now, it no longer sounded clinical, distant, it 
was too close.  He stood to stretch his legs and walked around a bit.


"There's a coffee maker just around the corner in the common area, if 
you'd like."  Alice detected his reluctance, almost a denial.  
"Probably something to eat also.  They're pretty good about that here.
"  Alice said.

Mulder looked at the corner she was pointing to, then over at her and 
nodded.  "Thanks."  The glaze look covering his face once again.  He 
snapped to when the door opened, expecting Scully to come through, 
but instead a little girl emerged.  She was a small waif of a girl, 
about ten or twelve, with a powder blue paper cap covering her almost 
bald head, dressed in a hospital robe.  A tube coming out of her hand 
leading to an IV that hung from a stand on wheels that she pushed as 
she walked.

"Hi, Baby!"  Alice spoke as she jumped up.

"Hi, Momma."

"You doing Ok?"  She asked as she primped around the girl's face.  
The girl nodded.  

Mulder stared at girl, he couldn't take his eyes off her.  She was so 
thin, so pale and the dark circles under her eyes made her appear 
ghost like.  He was startled back to  reality as Alice introduced him.


The girl said hello and Mulder did the same, but before they could 
speak anymore, the bouncy blonde girl, Debbie, was back.  "Amy, are 
we ready to go?  Do you want to sit awhile first?"  But the girl was 
ready to go.

"Good luck, Mr. Mulder."  Alice waved while Debbie led them out of 
the room.

Mulder sat back down and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his 
knees, clasping his hands in front of him.  He was alone now.  
Looking around the room, he thought of Scully having to sit in this 
sterile white cold room, alone.  Even in a room full of people, he 
didn't want her alone.  Wondering about what they would do to her.  
Wondering how long she'd have to endure these painful, tiring and 
humiliating tests before her body gave up it's struggle to survive.

He checked his watch, she'd been in there almost an hour.  He had at 
least another hour to go according to 'Debbie'.  Mulder found the 
coffee maker and poured himself a cup.  A cold shiver passed over him,
 making him glance upward at the air duct.  He was glad he took 
Scully's advice and brought in his jacket.  Standing in the common 
area, he noticed the people waiting, the patients slowly traversing 
the halls to their next stop, their next treatment or test.  

So many people.  So many children.  

He knew, but never 'really' realized just how many children were 
inflicted with the disease that ate at you from the inside.  Children 
of all ages, never getting to really live a normal life.  What was a 
normal life anyway?  He looked at the brave and stoic faces and 
wondered what they thought about.  Did they realize the lack of 
normalcy?  He suspected they did and it made him admire them all the 
more.  The strength it took for them to endure the treatments, the 
disease itself.

When he arrived back at Scully's waiting area, two more families had 
arrived.  Both elderly couples.  He sat down with his coffee and a 
magazine and that satisfied him for about fifteen minutes, then he 
was up again.  Pacing, thinking, worrying.  How did the others do it? 
 He had all day of this to go.  How was he going to do it?  Mulder 
didn't want to leave, he wouldn't leave her, but he had to find 
something to take his mind off the waiting.

In a corner sat a box of books, games, things to do that kept you 
busy.  He found a hand held electronic puzzle and sat down with it.  
The object was to take a random pattern of lights and turn them all 
off.  The trick was that when you pressed a button that was lighted, 
it would go off and if it was off, it would light up as would the 
surrounding buttons.  It kept Mulder busy for at least a half hour.  
But his eidetic memory made the game too easy.  He learned the 
patterns quickly and went through the levels in remarkable time.  

Movement from the corner caught his eye.  A little boy was eyeing him 
with the game.  When he looked up, he found several people had 
arrived.  Three women, all with children.  A young mother belonged to 
the boy who was about twelve.  Like Amy before, he had lost his hair 
from the treatments and was thinning and pale.  The boy looked into 
his eyes, silently asking for the game.  Mulder grinned and passed it 
over to him.  He watched as the boy gleefully took it and sat down 
and immediately began pressing buttons.  

So many people, so many children.

Scully arrived a while later, dressed in a hospital robe.  Mulder 
jumped up and went over to her as she came out the door.  "You ok, 
Scully?"  His brow furrowed as he noticed how tired she suddenly 
looked.

"I'm fine, Mulder.  You bored yet?"  She grinned at him.

"No, not at all,  I've been fighting the kids for the box of toys 
over there."  Another wry grin.

"Debbie should be here in a minute and we'll go the next one.  Then 
we get to break for lunch."  Scully was tired, she leaned against 
Mulder slightly as they neared the seats.

"Sounds great."  He had her arm and led her to the seats.  "Where are 
your clothes, Scully?"  Mulder whispered to her.

"They keep them here, Mulder.  When all the tests are done, I come 
back here to dress before I leave.  It's easier, I don't have to take 
the time to keep changing."  She replied, closing her eyes for a 
moment and releasing a long sigh.

Debbie arrived and they headed off.  The hospital specialized in 
cancer treatments, it was one of the best in the country and was well 
organized even if it didn't seem like it on occasion.  Patients were 
treated with great care, both physically and emotionally and their 
family was treated the same.  But the place was huge.  They started 
out on the third floor and took the elevator down to the basement.  
From there, they went through a series of mazes.  Mulder's hand never 
left Scully's back as they walked through the corridors where pipes 
and the such ran along the ceilings.  He was sure they'd taken a 
wrong turn somewhere.  Suddenly the end was in front of him.  It was 
a well lit waiting room, looking just like the one he'd left a moment 
ago. 

"Ok, you're all set here, Dr. Scully.  This is just x-ray, so it 
should be a little easier on you."  Debbie had her by one arm, 
holding her hand.  "Remember the drill, I'll see you in about an hour 
or so."  Debbie signed them in as she spoke, then smiled and left 
them waiting once more.

Scully sat immediately.  Mulder was next to her, his arm absently 
resting on the back of her chair.  The other few people already 
waiting looked up and smiled, nodding their heads politely.  He 
whispered to her.  "Are you all right, Scully?"  Slightly rubbing her 
back.

"I'm fine, Mulder, the walk just took a little out of me, that's all.
"  She smiled slightly.

"You want me to get a wheel chair for you?"   The look of concern on 
his face suddenly made her angry.

She turned to him sharply, her voice low but stern.  "No!   I said, 
I'm fine, Mulder. I don't need a 'wheel chair'!"  This was the last 
thing she needed,  Mulder to feel sorry for her.  To think she was an 
invalid needing cared for.

Then Scully realized that she was being harsh and that Mulder was 
only concerned for her, he cared about her.  Taking a deep breath, 
she apologized.  "I'm sorry, Mulder.  I didn't mean to snap at you."  
She didn't wait for a response.  "This is x-ray.  It shouldn't be as 
long as the other."  Scully looked over and tried to smile at him.

Mulder returned the smile and nodded, searching her eyes, looking to 
see if she was really all right.  He didn't know when the moment came 
that he could know what she was thinking or feeling, but he could 
almost read her every thought.  Or so he believed.

The nurse called for Scully a few moments later and she headed off to 
what awaited her.  Once again, he watched her disappear through the 
doorway.  He hated that sight, her leaving.  

A familiar face sat next to him and offered him a cup of coffee.  "Hi,
 Alice, thanks."

"Sure, I thought you could use that."  She smiled.

Mulder cupped his hands around the styrofoam cup, warming his fingers 
with the hot coffee.  It was even colder here, if that was possible.  
"It feels good."  He was quiet for a moment, watching Alice move 
through row after row of crocheting without blinking an eye.  "What 
are you making?"

A blank stare met his gaze as she thought about the question.  Then 
she looked down at her handiwork.  "I ...  I don't know."  She 
chuckled.  "I don't know."

Mulder nodded and smiled, knowingly.  It dawned on him that everyone 
waiting was going through the same thing.  The same feelings.  Fear, 
dread, pain.

"I come here time after time,"  She took a breath, "Just going 
through the motions and sometimes I wonder why."  Her eyes began 
tearing.  "But I have to squelch the thoughts, because you have to be 
positive.  You have to believe that things are going to come out all 
right."  Alice looked directly into his eyes.  "You can't let 
yourself sink into that dark place of despair, it'll drive you insane.
  And it doesn't help the people you love, the one's going through 
hardest part.  They know what you're thinking, Mr. Mulder, always.  
You can't let them see that."

Mulder could only nod, to speak now would reveal his feelings, 
something that was not only hard for him to unleash, but something 
very private and personal to him.

Alice went back to her work, leaving Mulder to think about her advice.
  An hour later, Amy came out and sat next to her mother, she smiled 
at Mulder and whispered something to Alice.  He heard Alice reply.  
"There might be some dolls in the gift shop, how about if we check 
before we leave?"  The girl smiled and nodded and sat back in the 
seat, her eyes drooping as she had trouble breathing for a moment.  
Alice pulled an inhaler from her pocket and let the girl inhale.  She 
was fine after a moment.

Debbie showed up a moment later and sat down next to Alice.  "Another 
patient will be coming out in a moment, so if you don't mind, we'll 
wait and I'll take you both back upstairs."   As they waited, Debbie 
began explaining the next phase to Amy.  Alice knew what was going to 
happen, as did Amy, but Debbie treated Amy as she would an adult.  It 
was important that she knew every step of her treatment.  Somehow it 
gave Amy a say so in her life, a little control, even as young as she 
was.

Mulder's thoughts turned again to Scully and what they were doing 
behind the closed door.  Were all these people going through the same 
treatments or tests?  How often does Scully have to do this and will 
it get worse?  She looked a little better somehow when she came out 
this time.  Their next stop was lunch.  Debbie escorted the four back 
upstairs, introducing the two patients.  At the cafeteria, she 
explained what would happen next.  "Ok, I'll be back in about an hour,
  the food here is really good, believe it or not."  She grinned.  
"You have your instructions on what you can and cannot have.  Relax, 
take a deep breath.  It's half over now."

Mulder realized that Debbie was actually very good at her job.  She 
was thorough in her details and explanation, but more than that, she 
was compassionate and encouraging without being patronizing.  She was 
good for the patients, her main concern.

Alice and Amy went off in one direction, leaving Mulder and Scully.  
They walked over to a table and he pulled out a chair for Scully.  
"What do you want, Scully, I'll get it for you."

"Well, I can have broth and tea, Mulder.  Nothing solid, I'm afraid." 
 

"That's it?"

"That's it."

He started to walk off and she called to him.  "Oh, and some jello!"

Mulder was back with two broths, two teas and two jellos.  "Mulder, 
you can eat, now go get something."  Scully was insistent.

"Scully, this is fine.  If it's good enough for you, then it's good 
enough for me."  Mulder sat down after removing the items from the 
tray.

"Mulder don't do this to me.  Go and get yourself something 
nourishing and solid."  

"I refuse to eat in front of you.  If I get hungry later, I'll get 
something while you're having the test done.  For now, I'm fine.  To 
paraphrase."  He stared at her, a twinkle in his eye, not giving in.

Finally she smiled and shook her head.  "Thank you, Mulder."  She 
held her fingers above the broth, letting the steam warm them. 

Mulder realized she had just the robe and stood, taking off his 
jacket.  "Here, Scully."  He said as he placed it around her 
shoulders.

"Thanks, Mulder.  It's always so cold here."  They finished their 
lunch in silence.  Mulder struggled for something to say, something 
comforting.  He just wasn't good at this.  So he just stayed with her,
  being with her, being there for her was the best he could do at the 
moment.

The next test was just a few doors down from the cafeteria, so Scully 
didn't have to go a great distance this time.  The gift shop was also 
on this floor and Mulder decided to do a little shopping.  He found a 
cloth doll, faceless, handmade in a cotton gingham print about the 
size of a Raggedy Ann doll.  He bought two.  One for Amy and one for 
Scully.  

He greeted Alice when he got back to the waiting room.  By this time, 
he'd begun to draw comfort by her presence.  "How is Amy's treatment 
going?"  She'd gone through this twice and lost the first one.  It 
was amazing that she was so upbeat during the second.

Alice looked down at her hands, then back up to Mulder.  "As well as 
it can go, I guess."  She took a deep breath.  "She's had all the 
radiation that is allowed this time, so the chemotherapy is what's 
left.  And that makes her so sick this time.  This is the second time 
for Amy.  There was quite a history of cancer on her father's side, 
so the inherent chance for active cancer cells was greater than 
normal."

"How often do you come here?"  He asked.

"Lately, two or three times a week for four weeks, then nothing for 
two weeks, then it starts all over again.  The first time, it went 
into remission after surgery, they thought they had taken it all, but 
it came back."  She was silent for a few minutes and her hands moved 
faster than he seen them earlier.  Nervousness, desperation.  A 
mixture of it all.

After a deep breath, the rest of the story came tumbling out.  It 
seemed to Mulder that she'd needed this a long time ago and had never 
been able or hadn't the opportunity to get it out.  "Johnny died 
three years ago of cancer of the pancreas.  It was unbelievably fast. 
 We had no idea, no chance.  Within six months he was gone.  Then a 
year ago, Amy was struck."  Her voice caught as she took another 
breath.  "She was doing so well after the surgery, they had to take a 
kidney."

Alice's voice became angry.  "But cancer is heartless, Mr. Mulder.  
It doesn't care who you are, how old you are, how much you are loved 
and needed by others.  It comes and goes as it wants, it's a faceless 
enemy with an evil agenda.  It draws you into a false sense of 
security when it disappears, then slaps you in the face and laughs at 
you when it rears it's ugly head again."  A tear fell down her cheek. 
 She was quiet and still for a moment, then she leaned closer to 
Mulder.  "I'm afraid."  She whispered, a look of panic and 
desperation in her eyes.  "I'm afraid I'm going to lose her."

Mulder put an arm around her and hugged her.  His heart ached for her 
and Amy, for Scully, for himself.  She was right, everyone was afraid.
  Everyone needed comforting, encouragement.  Everyone needed each 
other.

So many people, so many children.  So much heartache.

An hour later, Amy came out.  This was her last test for the day.  
"So are you heading home?"  He asked Alice.

"No, Amy is admitted to the hospital.  We're going up to the room now.
  These things always wear her out.  Don't they, baby?"  She had an 
arm around Amy as the girl nodded.  Alice looked back up at Mulder 
and held out her hand.  "It was nice meeting you, Mr. Mulder.   Thank 
you for the company today, I really appreciate it and I ...  well, 
thank you for everything."  Alice blushed slightly.  "I wish you and 
your friend all the best and may God be with you."

"Thank you, you too."  Mulder shook her hand.  "Oh, I have something 
for you, Amy."  He reached down into the bag and pulled out one of 
the dolls.  He saw her tired dark eyes become large and seem to light 
up as he handed her the doll.

"Thank you."  She said, softly, shyly, a bit weak.

He smiled as the two walked away toward the elevator.  The smile 
turned into a frown as the elevator doors closed.  God, he hoped 
they'd make it.  Then Mulder turned to the door that Scully would be 
walking out of and stared at it as if it was the cure.  As if all the 
answers were behind that door.

They had one more test done and Scully was finally ready to go home.  
She was tired, drained.  She probably could've driven home by herself,
 but Scully didn't want to be alone.  She was grateful that Mulder 
had talked her into letting him come.  She sat down next to him when 
she came out of her last test. 

"You ready?"  He asked.

"Yea, give me a minute, Ok?"  She took a breath.

"Sure, you all right?" Mulder was concerned.

"I'm fine, just a bit tired.  I mean it's not like they have me 
running the mile in four flat back there, but it still sort of takes 
it out of you, you know?"  She smiled at him.

Mulder nodded and put his arm around her.  He reached over and pulled 
the second rag doll from the bag.  "Here, I got you something."

A wide smile crossed her face and her eyes actually twinkled as she 
looked up into his.  "What made you do this?"

He shrugged and shook his head.  "It's nothing."  The smile was still 
there and it warmed his heart.  

"Thank you, Mulder."  She pulled the doll to her chest as she leaned 
against him to stand.  They walked down the hall, his arm around her 
waist.  Scully tilted her head, resting  against him.

*****
Two months later, Mulder went with Scully again.  He'd made himself a 
promise that he would go with her every time.  The routine was the 
same, but this time it seemed there were even more people.  

Except Alice and Amy were not there.  It took him more than half the 
day to gather the courage to ask.  He didn't want to know.  Somehow, 
if he didn't ask, it meant all was well.  But he couldn't live with 
that.  He had to ask.  Amy didn't make it.  She had passed a week 
after their meeting.  

He found the nearest men's room and hid out.  Anger getting the best 
of him.  At first Mulder did nothing but tighten his fist and clench 
his jaw.  He was angry, angry at the people who had forced this 
condition onto Scully, he swore vengeance.  Then he let silent tears 
fall for Amy and her mother, who had been so courageous in their 
struggle against the faceless enemy.  

Next came fear.  Fear of losing Scully forever, as Alice had lost 
both her husband and her only child.  If 'they' could save Scully 
then why couldn't these others be saved?  He suddenly felt hopeless, 
that Scully really couldn't be saved.  That the cigarette smoking man 
and his cohorts weren't going to be able to come up with a cure for 
Scully let alone anyone else.

But then Mulder thought about what Alice had said.  That you have to 
think positive, good thoughts.  You have to believe that things will 
come out fine.  To believe.  He couldn't let Scully see his despair.  
So finally he found the strength and hope.  Mulder drew strength from 
Scully, for having the courage to go through it, from Alice and Amy 
for the struggle even though the odds had been against them and 
finally beat them,  and he drew hope from the doctors, nurses, guides 
and everyone else in that center that took the extra effort to make 
the patients and their families as comfortable as possible and to 
make them feel at ease.

No one should be here alone, he decided.  No one should have to go 
through this alone.  Mulder exited the men's room and went back to 
wait for Scully.  Standing in the hallway, he looked around.

So many people, so many children.  So much waiting.

THE END