SPOILERS: Memento Mori , Fourth Season Scully Arc RATINGS: PG-13 CLASSIFICATIONS: S, V, A DISCLAIMER: Mulder, Scully, and the Kurt Crawfords all belong to MFAC , 1013, and Fox, but I really think they should forfeit their right to Scully if the keep up this "cancer? what cancer?" attitude much longer . . . SUMMARY: Mulder finally confesses to Scully what he found out at the Lumbard Facility. DEDICATION: This is for Amy, my partner in smut . Okay, first of all, *major* angst warning, possibly even a tissue alert. I sincerely doubt that we'll ever get to see Mulder tell Scully what he found out at the Lumbard Facility--you know, that little fact that she's apparently barren?--so I took it upon myself to tackle this conversation. The title is snagged directly from the song that inspired this: The Child Is Gone, by Fiona Apple. If you've got that CD, go ahead and put that song on repeat as you read this ! Oh, and it's my *first* story that's not explicitly an MSR! Amazing, I know. There are a couple of lines that can be read either way, so it's safe for those non'shippers. GIVE ME YOUR ABSENCE Danielle Dupre Gradually, Dana Scully became aware of the cessation of motion and willed her tired eyes to open. The chemotherapy she'd endured two days before still affected her body, slowing her down and making her tremble after the slightest exertion. After a moment, her eyes opened and Scully realized that Mulder had parked his Taurus in front of her building. Sitting up slowly, she turned to find the driver's side empty. Frowning, Scully opened her door and stepped out of the car, glancing around. Mulder exited the door to her building and came down the stairs quickly to her side, "Scully, I didn't want to wake you. I brought your bags in already." Scully gave her partner an odd look. "Were you planning on carrying me inside?" From the sheepish expression that crossed his face, Scully realized that he had, in fact, planned to do just that. Sighing, she placed a hand on his arm. "Mulder, I'm perfectly capable of walking to my apartment." Mulder nodded, "I know, Scully. You just looked so tired." Scully paused, wondering why his sincere wish to help her made her so angry. "I don't want you treating me differently just because I'm sick, Mulder," she warned. "I feel fine." Mulder shifted his weight and studiously avoided her gaze. Rolling her eyes, Scully slammed her car door shut with a satisfying metallic thud. Mulder jumped at the loud sound, finally glancing down at her. Scully spoke firmly, "Mulder, come inside. We need to talk." Eyes wide, Mulder tried to fabricate a reason for leaving, but failed miserably. Reluctantly, he followed his diminutive partner into her building, trying to school his features into his blank mask, but it was so hard. Scully had cancer, for God's sake. Cancer. And she wasn't going to undergo treatment for it. How was he supposed to treat her like she was fine? Mulder paused just inside the door to Scully's apartment, glancing around as if he'd never before been inside. Scully shot him an odd look and dropped her keys on the table next to the phone. "Do you want something to drink?" Mulder shrugged. Scully's eyes narrowed and she slid out of her coat, then turned to face him fully. Her hands migrated to her hips as she studied her partner's troubled face. "Mulder, what is wrong with you?" Brushing by her, Mulder made his way to her blue-and-white striped couch and settled on it, slipping out of his black leather jacket. Scully followed quietly, wondering at her partner's odd mood. Settling in next to him, Scully decided to break the odd silence with an inquiry into the case. Scully reached over and grabbed Mulder's hand. "Mulder, you never did tell me--what did you find at the Lumbard Research Facility?" Mulder shrugged, turning his head to stare at the empty fireplace in her living room. His eyes narrowed slightly, and he shifted a bit in his seat. Scully's brow furrowed as she observed his strange reaction. Mulder was not one to spare her the gritty details of his forays. "Mulder?" Mulder sighed and squeezed her hand. "Scully, I really don't want to get into this now." He started to rise, but Scully applied pressure to his hand. "What did you find?" Her voice remained low, but her tone brooked no argument. Mulder slumped back into the couch and tried to figure out how to tell her of what he'd learned. "It's a long story, Scully, and you're still weak from the treatments-- " "Don't give me that bullshit, Mulder," Scully cut him off angrily. "You're trying to avoid telling me for some reason. What is it?" Mulder turned to face her, his eyes pleading with her to understand. "Please, Scully, not now." Scully's brow furrowed. He was really upset. What could be that bad? Her stomach took a sickening dive. "You're scaring me, Mulder. What?" Mulder's eyes fluttered closed as his head fell forward. After a long moment of silence, he began to speak quietly. "I found Kurt Crawford, or what looked like him and his seven twin brothers working in a lab." Mulder paused and glanced up to gauge her reaction. Scully's brow raised in its trademark arch as she regarded him with trepidation. "Let me guess, you think they're clones?" Scully's voice carried a hint of humor that nearly did Mulder in. How could she joke when he had to tell her something so horrible? Clearing his throat, Mulder turned to face his partner more fully and took her free hand in his. Scully's face betrayed her surprise, but she didn't pull away. "They might be clones," he started, voice husky. "But they're also hybrids of some sort. And, their--" Mulder's throat closed up and he didn't think he could continue. Scully watched Mulder fight for words and felt herself becoming alarmed. "Mulder?" She asked, panic lacing her voice. Mulder made a strangled sound and managed to speak. "Their mothers are abductees." He paused for a moment to allow his words to sink in. Scully's eyes widened and she shook her head slightly. Before she could speak, he continued. "The reason that Kurt and the others were involved with MUFON is that they were trying to save their mothers," Mulder explained softly. "No," Scully yanked her hands free and fled the couch, crossing to the window to stare at the garden below. She didn't need Mulder to continue to figure out what he was about to suggest. Kurt Crawford had red hair. She had red hair. And she was willing to bet a vital organ that Mulder had jumped to every illogical conclusion possible. "Scully?" Mulder's voice came from right behind her and she found herself flinching. She wrapped her arms protectively about her midsection and turned to face him. "Mulder, I'm not going to sit here and listen to your ridiculous conclusions about the parentage of the men you believe are alien-human hybrids. There's absolutely no proof--" "Scully." The unadultered anguish in his whisper stopped her cold. She felt her breathing speed up as she stared at Mulder's hazel eyes. Her voice evaporated, and she found herself swallowing convulsively as she hung there, waiting. Something was going to happen. Something life-altering, and she couldn't seem to stop it. Mulder reached a hand towards her and Scully noted that it was trembling as it made contact with her shoulder. Oddly, she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel anything, and her vision had narrowed to Mulder's face. Finally, years later, Mulder began to speak. "Scully, the clones, they had a chamber where they stored the ..." He trailed off and dropped his gaze. Scully's mind was screaming for him to finish it, finish her, but her body had frozen. She was unable to do anything but stand there like a statue. Mulder's eyes met hers again as he whispered, "They stored the ova there." Scully wondered briefly why Mulder's voice sounded so tinny, but the greying of her vision answered her question. As her legs began to crumple beneath her, Scully found herself thinking, so this is what it feels like to faint. A moment later, Scully heard Mulder's panicked voice, "Scully? God, Scully, I'm calling the paramedics, just hold on." Scully opened her eyes and found herself laying on her floor, Mulder hovering over her with his cell phone in hand. She reached out a trembling hand and touched his face. "Scully?" Scully opened her mouth to speak, but still her voice evaded her. Mulder turned his attention back to his cell phone, and Scully pushed herself up to a sitting position. "Scully, lay back down. I'm calling 911 right now." "No," she managed, "I just fainted." "Scully, you're sick," he pointed out, exasperated. "You're going to the doctor." Scully reached up and plucked the cell phone out of his hand, hitting the Off button as she placed it on the floor. "No, Mulder. I'm still weak from the chemo. That's all." Mulder's eyes widened as he stared at her. "But--" "Mulder, no. I'm fine, now." Scully answered, struggling to get to her feet. Mulder hurried to help her, placing his hands on her waist. Scully ignored the trembling in her legs and settled herself on the couch. Mulder stood in front of her, unsure of what to do. Scully gave him a small smile and patted the cushion next to her. Mulder hesitated, then sat down, "Scully, I still think you should go to the doctor." Scully glanced at him for a moment, "Duly noted." She clasped her hands together in her lap, hoping that Mulder wouldn't notice them shaking. "Mulder," she continued, her voice oddly calm, "You were saying that you had proof?" She had a sick feeling that she already knew what Mulder's proof was. Mulder shook his head, "No, Scully," he answered firmly. "I'm not going to do this now. You just fainted." He crossed his arms defiantly as she turned to face him. Scully watched him for a moment, wondering why she felt so strange. It was like she wasn't herself anymore, and she had a horrible feeling that the Dana Scully she'd always been was gone for good. Some tiny, yet vital part of her had faltered and died. "Mulder, I need to know." Mulder paused, taking in Scully's pale face and shaking hands. "Scully, you're already upset. I think you should go lay down for a while." Something in Scully snapped. She didn't want his sympathy, she wanted the truth. "Mulder, do you honestly think this is going to get any easier? You're just making it worse so spit it out before I have to beat it out of you." Mulder's mouth dropped open as the blue flames flared in her eyes. Her voice had risen to as near to a shout as he'd ever heard from Scully. Finally, he realized that she understood the magnitude of what he had to tell her, and that by dragging it out, he was hurting her. Clearing his throat again, he reached over and covered the jumble of fingers on her lap. "Scully, the people who abducted these women, they used some sort of radiation to speed up the ovulation process and collect the ova . . . *all* the ova from these women," He paused, dreading the next words, "I saw a drawer with your name on it, Scully," he whispered. Scully didn't react. She merely stared at him. "Mulder, just because it had my name on it doesn't mean--" Mulder reached for his leather jacket with his free hand and Scully felt the same odd feeling come over her as before. Her voice deserted her and her muscles stopped receiving the messages from her brain. Her hands shook harder and her throat worked convulsively. Mulder turned back to her, but she couldn't tear her eyes off of his hand. His beautiful, capable hand that had inspired some erotic daydreams was holding a long, thin vial. A vial that was devastating in its implications. The vial blurred, and Scully blinked rapidly, trying to figure out why her eyes refused to focus. "Oh, Scully. I'm so sorry," Mulder murmured as he reached with that damn hand to touch the tears on her face. Scully recoiled, unable to be touched while he was still holding that thing. Her eyes followed his hand as he dropped it back to his lap. Instead, he used his free hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks gently. Scully ignored him, reaching one of her badly shaking hands towards that long, thin vial. She heard Mulder's sound of protest, but couldn't make out the words. Her hand continued its journey of its own volition. She had no desire to see the truth written on that tube, but soon her numb fingers closed around it. Slowly, slowly, her trembling hand retracted, bringing the vial closer and closer to her face. Finally, Scully could read the words written in crude, black marker: SCULLY, Dana K. Her eyelids fell as the vial tumbled to the cushion. Her empty hand remained in midair, while its mate curved protectively over the tiny swell in her stomach. She was barren. Unable to have children. Scully knew she should protest. She should have tests run and get second opinions, but in her heart, she recognized the truth. Those bastards had taken more than three months of her life, they'd taken her ability to produce life. They'd taken away her choice to become a mother. Scully heard a strangled sound and realized that it came from her. She remained in a fugue state, unaware of her surroundings. Vaguely, she heard Mulder's pleas to talk to him, but she could do nothing but stare at the empty fireplace in front of her and ironically compare it to her womb. Nothing left in either. Gradually, Scully's senses returned to normal and she could feel Mulder's hands on her shoulders and hear his panicked voice in her ear. She turned her head slowly, holding onto her precious self-control by a gossamer thread. "Mulder, go home." Mulder's mouth dropped open. "Scully, no. I'm not leaving." Scully reached out and touched his face. Her anguish gathered, swirling. "Please? I need to be alone." Mulder shook his head emphatically. "I don't think that's a good idea right now. You're upset--" She smiled faintly, "Mulder, I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just need for you to leave me alone. Nothing you can say or do can make this all right." Mulder's mouth worked without sound for a moment as he recognized the truth behind her words. "But, I want to be here for you, Scully." Scully rose to her feet, willing her protesting limbs to carry her just a little longer. "Mulder, you don't understand. I need to do this alone for now. I promise I'll call you when I need you." She was fast approaching the breaking point, but she managed to cross to the door as Mulder rose to follow her. He grabbed his leather jacket and approached her, his brow furrowed in consternation. "Scully . . ." "I know, Mulder," she answered, desperate to get him out of her apartment. "Just, please . . . " Scully pleaded with her eyes until Mulder had to agree. He leaned over and kissed her cheek, "I love you, Scully." Scully felt the tears threatening to spill over as he straightened. "I know," she whispered as he turned to leave. "I'll call." Mulder nodded and stepped out, watching her as she closed the door. Scully's hands trembled wildly as she fumbled with the locks, the tears obscuring her vision making the job even harder. Finally, she was alone. Scully leaned back against the door, one hand still curved over her stomach protectively. She slumped down, sliding all the way to the floor. Her tears began to fall as she mourned her children. Alone. THE END Did I mention I love feedback?